An Actual Blog With No Photographs

Okay, blogosphere. I'm putting it out there. I'm not whining. I'm not having a pity party. I'm not being pessimistic. I'm being realistic. And honest. I get exhausted trying to sugar-coat everything for the world wide web. Don't you want to know what's REALLY going on?! Here goes: I've been down lately.

Call it post-wedding depression. Call it what you will, but throughout life, nothing has been able to send my attitude plummeting like drama with friends. I feel as if this is something I have struggled with my whole life. Friendships. Maybe it's because I'm a middle child and always want everybody to be happy. Maybe I give too much and expect too much in return. All I know is that I am a very sensitive soul. That's just how I am. It's how I always have been.

Tread softly.

I used to beat myself up over it. I would be down for days and weeks when a so-called "friend"'s true colors would show and I would realize they weren't really that good of a friend in the first place.

I know that I am fortunate to have those who appreciate and support and encourage and LOVE me for me. What I'm wondering is, do you out there ever get so discouraged by certain individuals that you just take a little break from them? I've decided to remove myself from the situation for awhile. To see if I stop calling, emailing, texting, contacting others to make plans, who would I hear from? I feel as though if I clean my closet, so to speak, and get rid of all the excess baggage cluttering my head, I'll open it up to other things. Creative things. If I spent less time worrying about whether or not someone's upset with me, or why oh why doesn't this person understand me after all this time, I'd have so much more time to get back to ME. Because honestly, I enjoy my own company. I have fun hanging out with myself. I think thoughts. I make things. I feel like the best version of myself.

I deal with people all day long. Five days a week. It's difficult to carve out social time, let alone alone-time, husband-time, family-time. I am pulled in so many different directions. For one whole year I had a break. Just me and the dogs all day every day. It was lonely at times, but still, it is a time I have grown very nostalgic for.

Now I'm rambling. I guess it's enough to know that you have a hand-full of people you can count on. Who you can call when you're on the verge. Who understand you completely and wholly and accept you, despite your flaws. I have those people and I am thankful. It's the others that bother me. The "acquaintances" who masquerade as friends sometimes.

A wonderful person I met in college, who is not afraid to wax nostalgic or show emotions on her blog, posted this excerpt from a book she's reading. It just touched me on a wonderful level.

"love is what carries you, for it is always there, even in the dark, or most in the dark, but shining out at times like gold stitches in a piece of embroidery.
sometimes too i see that love is a great room with a lot of doors, where we are invited to knock and come in. though it contains all the world, the sun, moon, and stars, it is also so small as to be also in our hearts. it is in the hearts of those who choose to come in. some do not come in. some may stay out forever. some come in together and leave separately. some come in and stay, until they die, and after." - heather coulter, wendell berry

It reminded me that everyone enters your life for a reason. Whether to teach you a lesson or give you an experience to carry with you through life. I'll continue to let them in, and if they don't choose to stay, they fulfilled a purpose of some sort.

Thanks for letting me rant, folks. I feel as if I can write about this now because I've turned a corner as far as my attitude towards it. I am in a really great place right now. I can't wait to find some new friends to share it with.