Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day

We have been very blessed by the home-owning gods that we've never encountered any major home-owning disasters in the almost year and a half that we've owned one. But yesterday morning was the exception. We woke up and everything was great. Dirk took his shower, I got the coffee going and started in eating my Activia yogurt with the super-fiber Kashi, and then Dirk realized that the toilets weren't flushing (?!) He went down to the basement to investigate, and lo and behold, an area of the basement full of water (sewage, actually.) I just heard a bunch of expletive deletives, followed by some more, and then he came up drenched. It appeared that the main connector pipe (I'm no plumber and have no idea about the lingo) is made of iron and Dirk thought that since it was so heavy it had just worked it's way out of the other pipes, giving him a sewer shower. I threw up in my mouth a little bit. Then he tells me that he has a loan closing at work and class at eleven, so don't use any water or the bathrooms until I'm able to come home and fix it at some point this afternoon. And I didn't freak out! There was no trace of the rage, which is a miracle because it is that week that the rage typically rears it's ugly head. I got on the phone and called my Aunt Jane, who graciously let the dogs and me hang out at her house for the morning with her construction workers who are adding a room to her house. Piper got beat up by her first cat, I got some work done, it was all good.

I went home shortly after Dirk got home and he was having no luck with the problem. He reattached the pipes, and the toilets each flushed twice before they went crazy insano on us again. So we ran to Home Depot because we thought, maybe it's a clog? Well, the Drano didn't work. I was very proud of Dirk. When he felt that he'd exhausted his meager plumbing prowess, he actually got out the yellow pages and CALLED a plumber! It was a short phone call, because he learned that it would cost almost $300 to get a real live plumbing professional out to fix the problem. But in the course of the phone call, the plumber must have revealed the piece of equipment he uses to unstop major clogs, and Dirk called around and found out that he could rent one.

So a trip to Lowe's later (it made me think about people who do not live ten to fifteen minutes from their nearest do-it-yourself construction super stores) and this huge machine called "The Snake" or something, and he's still having no luck and sewage is backing up INTO the showers (and a little bit more throwing up in my mouth since I can't full out throw up in the non-flushing toilets). I'm still very calm through all of this. But it's four o'clock and I'm thinking ahead. I'm dirty (no shower), my face is gross (couldn't wash my hands to put in my contacts,) and I've only used the bathroom ONCE the entire day. You don't realize how much you take running water for granted until you don't have it anymore. SO, after crying through a couple of reruns of Desperate Housewives (I've become addicted to the reruns on Lifetime, yes, I now watch Lifetime Television for Women) because Lynette's addiction to her kid's ADD medication is totally something I think could happen to a high-strung individual such as myself, I grabbed my purse and ske-daddled.

I knew I had to just stay away 'til everything was fixed because I was on the verge. Seriously on the verge. So I went and got a twelve-pack of beer and some cheese dip and salsa from the closest Mexican restaurant (El Cazador....mmmmm....), and then I pulled back up to the house. I was a little nervous, because I was ready to tell Dirk that I was checking into a hotel room for the night and he's the type to go down with a sinking ship as I've got my life raft and am paddling to the nearest Holiday Inn. I have no problem roughing it in the wilderness, but not in the COMFORT of my own home. So I did a little reconnaissance before I went inside, and I could see through the window that he was on the phone and he was smiling. Good sign. Armed with beer, I cautiously entered the house. The sound of a toilet flushing. No swear words issuing forth from the hall bathroom. Could it be?! Yes, ladies and gentlemen, my boyfriend can officially add Plumbing Experience to his resume.

At about nine o'clock that night, though, I realized that I was still a little nervous to flush the toilet, and had only used the bathroom a total of twice the entire day. I'm still a little nervous about it this morning, too, although we've run the dishwasher, the clothes washer, and I've taken a shower and no problems. Cross your fingers and knock on wood.